Who are you?
One of the many.
Whose arms do you fall into?
I fall into the arms of the people who once fell into mine.
What is the one miracle you are waiting for?
I am waiting to learn who I am and what I want. I don’t know in what direction to use my initiative. You can say that I’m waiting to stop waiting.
What is your weapon?
Self-confidence. There is a comfort far greater than the compliments that others can give you and that is what you can tell yourself. All I need is one reminder that I am enough, and I will feel safe thereafter.
Whom do you miss the most?
I miss my childhood self: before my parents’ divorce, before my heart was broken twice, before I took the path with all the mistakes. True, they say that you learn from your mistakes. But I learned to hide and avoid my problems and myself through my experiences, so I would blunder again and again through the same problems, through the same loneliness, as time repeats itself ad infinitum. Not only until I say that I had enough, until I said that I AM enough.
What are you scared of?
I’m scared of not having enough friends. I jump into a strange group and befriend them all, I meet everyone in every class that I’m in. I gain allegiance and acquaintances, although I’m always shy of friendship. Some see me as popular and gregarious, but only I see myself as a facade. I’m scared of being true to myself, honest to others, loving.
What is your favorite memory?
My favorite memory is when I went to a summer camp in Mont Tremblant, QC. When I met my best friends and learned that I am allowed to feel. That I don’t have to be lonely. That I am enough.
When was the last time God spoke to you and what did He say?
I don’t know if it was God who I was speaking to, or if I was just in contact with my unconsciousness, but I decided that I will live how I want to live.
What words are you holding onto in your pockets?
I don’t want to be gay.
What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?
What advice would you give to your parents that will help them in raising you?
Please be more real with me. I can’t stand it when you pretend to be happy. And when you take that advice and start yelling like you always do, compromise. And when you decide that you can’t compromise, beat the impossible. Concede, for your own sanities, for the sake of your love. And step away from being selfish.
Is there sometimes an emptiness inside you and what does it feel like?
It feels like it will swallow me whole. Like nothing anyone can do will save me. Despair. I feel lost. I stumble. I don’t smile. I wish it to end. I hit my head against my wall. I cry. I forget the great life that I believed in before and will believe after the trauma that I have and will have.
Are you enough?
I am enough. No matter how much you hate me, no matter how much I hate me. No matter how much you love me, no matter how much I feel like I’m dying or going insane. Never will I be more, never will I be less. Everyone is enough. When I’m sad, lonely, or suicidal, I stop feeling that way by telling myself, “I am enough.” You don’t need friends to tell you that. These are words that anyone can say. But when people talk about the power behind words, that is when you can man this phrase as your weapon, and tell it to yourself, every morning, afternoon, night, as long as you live. As long as you need to know.